English

My whole life has been a merry-go-round of distancing people and craving their intimacy, While I am not busy hating the world, what I seek from it is a little empathy, Whining about burdensome relations but keeping them close, clutched firmly, A paradox in the man who loves being alone but always fears being lonely. It’s a constant fight between trying to love people all the while hating their guts, An unending see-saw between wishing people happiness and trying not to be jealous, Sometimes everything in life is so crystal clear, sometimes nothing at all makes sense, A struggle to reach the doors of bliss, only to find the keys missing in the end. ...

I was drowning in my own mucous. Fluids flowing from nose, mouth ‘n ears, Saliva in and saliva out, Puking in and Puking out, The windpipe was stinging like hell, Like that kid taking tequila shots felt. Some powdered substance and a syringe, Some through mouth and Some through veins. I took some drugs today, It wasn’t pretty but I had to take. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Shivering like a weathered leaf, Spiking headache was unbearable, The back was broken beyond recognizable. The legs said we can no longer hold on , I was burning like a pre-heated oven, More para- and more analgesic, Couldn’t take more lest I would have killed. ...

I hope you find, for which you masturbate everyday. But don’t drag me in your fantasies, I’ve my own hell to take care. Don’t be an emotional parasite and drain me out. Oh no baby, I am not your sex-doll to fuck around. Yeah fine your girlfriend jilted you, I wonder why your parents screwed up too. Why do you want me to clean up every time you spill shit, You didn’t listen to me, so that’s what you deserved - bitch, So cry your tears of croc or grab your kicked crotch, But leave me alone now, I don’t care much, Can’t you look through your eye sockets and watch me incinerate in pain? So why do you ask again and again. And again and again and again … ...

You ask me, do it. I say, no. You grunt, Do It Now! I scream, Noooo. And then without warning, you take an iron bat, And hit me, over and over, at my guts, No please… No… I am sorry, but it’s necessary, And then you hit harder, Right between the forehead, Arggghhhhh… I fall down. Head first, Inspiration trickling down. From head, through neck, to chest. You take a brush, soak it in my crimson, And put the first stroke on a blank canvas, Then you look at me and groan, There. I started. Now go complete what’s on your mind. I mumble, but… but I can’t. I am not capable enough, I am not talented enough, What if they hate it, What if they laugh at me? ...

She’s dead. No more. Why she did what she did, I wish I could but, I don’t know. All I know is that she’s not coming back. And she takes with her every question I ever had. She was simple, silent, lost in her thoughts, As if she didn’t belong to this world, She wasn’t like those typical girls her age, Doing jib jab yip yap all day, She used to say everything through her eyes, And almighty knows, I liked her that way. ...

Today I take my life, Hopeful, that the pain will now subside, It’s just been lonely and dreadful, May be I will finally get free tonight. I don’t know why I took so much time to do, What I should have done so much earlier, May be I was afraid to die, It’s amusing. Living was so much scarier. Sorry mom, I just couldn’t do it, No therapy would help me through it, My - now burnt- diary, my tear soaked pillow, Knew more about me, than you could ever know me, I just wanted to feel some emotions mom, All that you could provide me were some more sedatives. ...

Azure blue eyes, and cyan blue robe. Skin pale like banana leaves, So tiny, so weak. But that smile intact. Hair scattered, no braids, Lips parched, no stick. Like a precarious version of self. But that smile intact. WBCs mutilated by infections. RBCs disappearing, plummeting haemoglobin. Nerves gobling bottles after bottles of glucose. But that smile intact. Needles pierced in arms like a heroine addict. Inhaling from a gas mask every now and then, A soldier preparing for the imminent chemical warfare. But that smile still intact. ...

Fear not my friend, Let the path be scary and dark, You shine light on my ignorance, Let me lighten yours. ~RavS ## Quite old. Forgot to post it earlier :) ##

It sucks to know what you are going through, It sucks that I can’t come ‘n meet you, It sucks that I am far far-away, It sucks that no-one is there to cheer you , It sucks that you are suffering so much, It sucks that there’s nothing that I can do , And I would have done it earlier if only I knew, But from today, I will pray, that you get well soon. Have Faith. Endure. ...

And yet I fear my own, I fear their rejection of my affection, I fear being seen as vulnerable. So I build a hard shell around. A cocoon of safety. Rendering me invincible and alone. And I walk amongst the masses, Invisible and insignificant. Incapable of empathy. Apathetic of emotions. I risk being seen aloof. Because to feel what they feel, I will have to break open my heart. Leaving me fragile and unarmed. Giving them a chance to bruise. And that risk I can not take. ...